Based on a true story, more than 10 true stories actually.
The Horrors of CPAP and the Humor of the Facial Disfiguration God Gave Me
It’s 0425 hours, it was 0325 before I started writing what follows. Could have been 30 minutes of I was fighting the fuhkery of digital typing and the blasphemy of using this app as a word processor.
Song inspiration – Breathe, by Michael W. Smith. You won’t love that song anymore after getting through with what’s ahead.
Growing old? Yeah good luck with that. I’d have a better experience shoving my head up a bulls butt and watching how bullish!t is made. Sorry for the visual—no I’m not 😂. Sleep apnea treatment for me is like being a fighter pilot without the tools to fight the battles and the proxy wars that come with it.
I thought a CPAP or BIPAP was supposed to help aid in sleeping better at night. Used to be I’d only wake up in the night to pee. Now I can’t make it thru a single night without this machine causing some kind of catastrophic failure in that department. Not a single night without at least 10 wake ups as a result of wearing this mask. I’m not exaggerating, at least 10 times. Ever had a bug 🪳 crawling on your face at night?
- The air leaks, it’s loud;
- Face farts are loud, feels like a butt is on your cheek;
- The mask needs a constant adjustment;
- On cold nights the hose fills up with water and bubbles so loud it needs a catalytic converter. Have to disconnect the mask and drain out the water multiple times per night when it’s cold outside.
- The air is always too warm on the climate control feature.
- Every night include a bout with suffocation
- There’s what is called central apnea where despite wearing the machine you still wake up gasping for air
- The masks take turns because one smashes the bridge on your nose disturbing the skin and remolding the cartilage.
- Another mask slips on the nose and forces mouth breathing or constant adjustment, not to mention smashes the bottom of the nose. Feels like my best friend from my youth came back alive to wrestle with me to practice his pressure point magic on me again.
- 11, 12… I still have to get up to pee at night. I feel like a truck driver with all these bottles next to my bed.
Not a single night goes by if something doesn’t wake me up multiple times as a result of this tragic diagnosis from the sleep department. I was fine before this 🐂💩 diagnosis. It’s anti-sleep really, need I repeat anything from the hell above? Oh poo, now they’re gonna call the psych department and tell em to put me back on my creative arts suppression meds.
IYDKYDK, now you know. #CPAP #BIPAP #APNEA #SLEEPAPNEA
Now is 5 am. 😔
