THE OFFICIAL LIMITED LIFETIME WARRANTY OF AUTHOR KNOWN™
For Use With All Books, Blogs, Ideas, Misunderstandings, and Random Forest Discoveries
Congratulations, you connoisseur of all things Dumb! By accessing, clicking, skimming, doom-scrolling, hate-reading, or actually enjoying anything produced by Author Known™ (hereafter referred to as “The Entity”), you have automatically and irreversibly agreed to the terms of this Limited Lifetime Warranty.
We know. You didn’t read it. No one does. That’s why we made it fun.
WHAT’S COVERED?
Everything.
Nothing.
It depends on the weather, the alignment of your chakras, and whether you read this with pants on or saw the local plumber’s butt more times than you wish you didn’t want to and never said anything about it to your BFF.
Specifically, this warranty covers:
- Emotional confusion resulting from reading a blog about toilets and suddenly crying about your childhood.
- Existential whiplash caused by spiritual awakenings during chapter transitions.
- Spontaneous inspiration to sell all your belongings and build a chicken coop.
- Psychological side effects of understanding jokes three days later.
- Recurring dreams involving Sasquatch, Waldo, or a 7-year-old boy with ancient wisdom.
- Accidental awakenings at 3:33 a.m. muttering, “I am the glitch.”
WHAT’S NOT COVERED
- Your Amazon purchases.
- Actual toilet paper (even if you cry-laughed so hard you needed some).
- Feelings of superiority or inferiority depending on your SAT score.
- Relationships ruined because you quoted the book at the wrong dinner party.
- That moment when you think, “Wait… is this still part of the joke?”
TERMS OF THE LIMITED LIFETIME
- Limited: Yes. Very. Comically so.
- Lifetime: Yours? Ours? The book’s? The Internet’s? Let’s be honest, no one knows what this means. But it sounds reassuring, doesn’t it?
- Void If: You take any of this too seriously. Or not seriously enough. Or sneeze on it.
WARRANTY BADGE
Your official proof of coverage is a metaphorical badge, invisible to the naked eye, but spiritually tattooed on your third rib from the left. If questioned, simply whisper the phrase:
“Cupcake and Sasquatch Milk Sandwich.”
Someone, somewhere, will understand. Or back away slowly.
FINE PRINT
By agreeing to this Limited Lifetime Warranty, you acknowledge that the world is dumb, you are brilliant, and the Entity is possibly both. Author Known™, Sasquatch, Waldo, and Squaldo™ are not responsible for enlightenment, dumbfoundment, sudden career changes, or accidental soul retrievals.
LIMITED LIFETIME CUSTOMER SUPPORT
Available 24/7. Just scream into the void.Response times vary.
DISCLAIMERS
This warranty is FEPO—For Entertainment Purposes Only. Batteries not included. Some side effects may include rethinking your entire life, laughing until your organs herniate, or disappearing into the Kentucky wilderness to start a commune.
Published my very first book! And, I did it in seven days! Wanna see how I did it? Check the exclusive Author Known 7-day Author Challenge here!
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